the essence

at 35 years old, i'm old enough to feel my feet planted firmly on the ground and still young enough to feel my hair whip around me with my head in the clouds. i've accomplished many things and i've had many children. many relationships have begun, many have ended, and i've finally found the one who lights my soul fire. I have lost myself and found myself many, many times over and, at last, i feel ready to settle down into the essence of me. 

es·sence

noun

1. the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character.

now, there's a lot that goes into that:

there's a certain way i want to live, think, feel, be.

i find myself gravitating toward certain ideas and away from certain people. i have this aching desire to live more intentionally, eat better food, drink more water, and purchase more art. i want to consume less and create more. enjoy more me time and be more connected. 

i've always felt a calling to do something bigger, but now it overwhelms me. i can't think of anything else. for the most part, it's just that thought that runs on repeat in my head:

do more, feel more, be more...

every once in awhile, it'll form into a spark, a detail, a plan, but i'm still putting it all together. 

one thing is very clear to me, though... it's time. time to figure it out and make it happen.

and so, here we are. doing just that.

morning musings

In the morning, when the coffee is fresh and the air is cool and everyone is still asleep.... that is when I'm most clear. Clear about what I want and how to go about getting it. Clear about who I am and who I want to grow into. Clear about life and my future and full of hope and solutions.

Then something happens when I set the coffee mug down and the people in the house start to rise.

Then it becomes about them, and what they need, and who they are, and who they will become.

It becomes about what needs to be done around the house that I haven't gotten to yet... still.

Then it becomes about how many calories are in the creamer in my coffee, and how I need to go on a diet, and how I need to meal plan, and how I need to exercise... Maybe I'll start yoga...

Then it becomes about what I'm going to wear to work, and that I don't have time to do my hair, and I need gas in the car, and ugh, the traffic... and I don't want to "go to work."

How do I make a living from home, with my fresh (calorie free) coffee on the cool, quiet back patio with the sleepy sunrise and the quiet calm and confidence that was just there five minutes ago?

How do I do this? Where did the solutions go? Where do I start?

There is this yearning that has taken permanent residence in my brain, in my heart, in my soul. What exactly it wants, I can't quite put my finger on, but it's there and it's all consuming. As I get older, as I experience more life, it grows. Sometimes it acts like a petulant child being ignored... Sometimes it sings to me like a sweet angel beckoning me to follow it... Sometimes it's a sexy temptress seducing me away from what I think are super important priorities and responsibilities.

It wants to be appeased, and I'm starting to run out of reasons to ignore it.